Remembrance of the Bakumatsu
by Shadow.of.Illusion
Summary: Will contain drabbles, and possibly oneshots concerning Kenshin's past as Hitokiri Battousai.  Those who despise Tomoe, be warned that she will appear in these.
1. Chapter 1

**:: Remembrance of the Bakumatsu ::**

by Shadow.of.Illusion

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of the characters. Am absolutely addicted to this series though, does that count for anything? Errr... if that gets me one of those doctors holding a tranquilizer, forget I said anything.

-------------------------------------------------------xoxo

"_I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind_."

He woke abruptly, gasping for air, fighting to escape from the dark clutches of his dreams. Streams of sweat rolled down his shaking body, the madness desperate in its attempts to control him, to release itself from the inner prison of his mind whence he had struggled to keep it.

Heavily, he breathed in and out. Composure was long in coming, but finally he regained the elusive state-of-being. Long strands of fire-bright hair stickily clung to his face and neck, due to the chilling sweat. Violet orbs peered about the room, as if searching wearily for a ghost.

The ghost that always haunted his dreams.

"_Tomoe_." His breathy whisper sounded loud to his sensitive ears in the quiet gloom. Dawn had not yet come, and the moon still ruled the sky with tentative ease.

They all came back to haunt his dreams at night, to plague and to curse him for his deeds. And the only one who had helped ease away the madness was there no longer, slain by his own hands.

Tears began to pool in his almond-shaped eyes, blinding him momentarily before the scalding drops fell down in a blistering rain upon his thin face. It had only been two months since her death, no—since her murder, and the young man still felt it keenly. It was like a constant thrust in his heart, ripping open the already sorely wounded appendage with callous strokes.

He raised his arm to wipe away the tell-tale drops, letting them instead soak the thin sleeve of his yukata. It was shameful to still mourn for her like this, as he was a warrior, an assassin. No emotions were supposed to rise to the surface. His enemies would kill him for this weakness.

Gathering his scattered control, Hitokiri Battousai sat in amber-eyed silence, waiting for the grim dawn of the heavens to appear.

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_**:: End Notes ::**_

Whoot! I love writing about Kenshin (Battousai days), it's just a lot of fun. I'm a freak, hahah. Hope you caught Kenshin's steady transition to Battousai in this, I wanted it to be clear, but not overiding the story. Also, don't get me wrong, I like the TomoexKenshin pairing... _buuuuuuuuut_, seeing as how Kaoru is living and married to him in the end, I have to side more with the KxK pairing. Besides, Kenji is just too kawaii! I think any kid of Tomoe's would be kind of odd, anyway. Just think of her reclusive nature. Ne?

**--S.o.I.**


	2. Chapter 2

**:: Remembrance of the Bakumatsu ::**

by Shadow.of.Illusion

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of the characters. Am absolutely addicted to this series though, does that count for anything? Errr... if that gets me one of those doctors holding a tranquilizer, forget I said anything.

-------------------------------------------------------xoxo

**Part I**

_There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love_. –I John 4:18

The brush's tip whispered across the paper, ink following like a shadowy trail spilling from the delicate bristles. Words stared back at her from their home within the thin page, condemning her soul for what they stood for. She let them stare, feeling her heart grow even more heavy within. This was her punishment. This was her small measure of atonement.

It was her sworn duty to betray him, but could she?

Earlier it had been so easy to carry on with her course, knowing that he would die because of her actions. Revenge had been a sweet desire, fueling her limbs and her mouth to move and act naturally around him. Now that she had come to know the young man within the shell of a murderer, would she betray him?

The shoji rattled open in the front entryway, despite the obvious effort to keep it quiet. Light footsteps echoed in the hall and headed toward the room she sat in.

With trembling fingers, she hastily gathered up her traitorous diary and pressed it closed, hoping the ink was dry. No matter what, this was her memory—it would be preserved whether she lived to regret her choice or died.

She barely had time to gather herself together, to hide away her diary within the folds of her kimono, before _he_ came in.

"I'm home."

She both loved and hated his soft smile, the light in his amethyst eyes that would shine only for her. Her heart felt like lead as she inclined her head in greeting, "Welcome back."

* * *

**Part II**

_Land and sea, weakness and decline are great separators, but death is the great divorcer for ever_. –John Keats

Rough fingers, worn by countless hours of training, glossed over the thin pages of the diary with feathery touches that reflected his love for the woman who had written faithfully within the volume. Violet eyes shimmered brightly, even in the dim light, as sparkling gems do underwater. An emotion he didn't want to name choked his throat, sealing his voice as he read her unspoken words.

"I hate myself. To do what I am about to do seems to tear out my heart from within my chest. It beats madly within the cage of my bones when I try to think of my mission. This is what I must do, I tell myself. This is the revenge I promised him. This is for our ruined love.

And yet, I can't bring myself to hate Himura any longer. I've tried, I've tried so hard to hold onto that hate, for there was comfort and safety in hating the person who killed my future. Now I cannot hate him.

_Kenshin. _

I try to whisper his name to him, but I cannot. It seems that I am not meant to be able to love a man, or hate one either. Perhaps I was born without that love. Enishi, I was able to love you. Do I only possess a sister's love?

I can say his name to myself, it sighs within my mind, but I cannot utter it no matter how hard I try.

Can I betray you, Himura Kenshin? Can Himura Tomoe betray you? Am I even capable of doing so now? Once upon a time, I believe I was. Now, however, I bear no ill will towards you.

You seem to fill my mind when I try to think of other matters. The gentle sound of your voice, the way you seem to know when to leave me in peace, the tiny sound your footsteps make that my ears can barely hear, the way your eyes glow with an inner fire as you gaze upon me. Do you love me, Himura Kenshin? Would you betray me?

I would betray you, but I find that I am unable."

Grief took control and wracked the young man's body with silent, bitter cries. He had lost so much, and gained so little.

He would live; he would live for her. He would continue to fight and would then make an attempt to atone for his numerous sins.

"_Tomoe_." A broken plea drifted from his parted lips to fade away with the memory of a quiet woman.

-------------------------------------------------------xoxo

_**:: End Notes ::**_

Eeep, I had to go and write such a thing... TTTT Now I'm blue. I had finished reading _Scarred Sword Heart's_ **"Heart in Conflict"** (which I would recommend reading, btw) and suddenly had an urge to write this. Also, a Kenji-centered story should be appearing soon, if I can get the bugger to cooperate, hahah. (strangles the red-head)  
Anyway, please review and tell me what you think! I'm more than a little curious. :)

**--S.o.I.**


End file.
